Thursday, September 16, 2010

Its Not Fair

Okay Moms, you know how to respond to that. After all, don't our children whine "its not fair" every once in awhile? And we have the standard "mom" response, don't we? All together now..shout it out in unison... LIFE'S NOT ALWAYS FAIR! See, I knew you had that one in your mommy bag, ready to pull out at a moment's notice.

And, I know it too. But I'm still struggling with losing my Mukluk, and its not fair. Its not fair that he was only three, and I thought I had so much time with him and now I don't. Its not fair that he's gone, and I'll never see him again. Its not fair that I feel like I got punched in the stomach when I think about it.Its not fair that all the tricks and games, and fun things I taught him will never matter again. Its not fair that I'm left with a broken heart and an empty feeling. Its not fair that I can't look out the window in the morning and see him standing at the gate waiting for me to come and see him. Its not fair that there will never be another Mukluk, and it really is as unfixable as it gets.

But life isn't fair. And there are far greater disasters in the world than this. And real tragedies. I have friends suffering far more agonizing losses in their lives right now, than a pet horse. And I need to get a grip and shove it all back into perspective and move on.

But in the interest of keeping it real, I'm just simply not "dealing" and the only shoving I'm doing is to stuff my emotions and try not to show my children how sad I feel. How much I miss him. Because I don't want to make their grief worse, and in fact I do what I can to distract them and keep them busy and happy. I can do that. But...

I'm just kind of shut down. I feel knocked flat, defeated, deflated and probably a host of other d words. When you choose to love fully, you choose to take a pretty big tumble when they suddenly go missing from your world. Mukluk was "just a horse". I must say that a hundred times a day, but its not sinking in.

I kept finding myself driving out to the mini farm where I bought him. Where he was born. Where I first fell for him. And its been good for me out there, because I can get some mini hugs, and just hang out in a place where they understand what the expression "a fool for minis" means.

And it was there, the other day, that the owner of the farm suggested I "borrow" a mini for awhile. Just pick one. Take one home. Do some training, playing, and just take off the "vacancy" sign on the mini corral. And I thought about it, went home and thought about it some more, and then decided to accept her kindness. So I took my trailer, and went and picked out a "loaner" mini to bring home.

Her name is Tiny White Lightning. She is a yearling pinto filly. A real sweetie. She has settled in and is doing great here, and we all are enjoying having a mini to hug, and brush, and play with. The first time I sat down next to her and hugged her, I wanted her to "fix" me, and make all of this sorrow go away, but she can't do that. And its NOT FAIR to expect it. She can, however, make me smile..make me laugh, and give us all a good dose of cute-ness to carry us through the day.

I know the next question..and the answer is that someday I will have another mini. And no, I don't know if it will be her. Because I definitely have some things to work through first. In the meantime, she's pretty darn easy to have around. :)


Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

She's a beauty.

I know that there are greater tragedies, but sometimes we just need time to deal with our own. That constant guilt emotion that you should buck up because worse things could happen - it isn't all that helpful. Take your time to feel sad and don't feel guilty about that. Then day by day it will get easier and you can move forward.

That's just my take on grief, for whatever it's worth.

Kim said...

Anyone who's ever lost a beloved pet (and horses are so much more than "pet") understands completely. Hang in there.