Maybe its strange for somebody to say they love their vacuum cleaner, but if I heard somebody say that very same thing, I would nod calmly and smile at their good fortune. Because you see, I love my vacuum cleaner. In fact, I love its creator, Mr Dyson. If I met him in a crowd, and he was surrounded by Bon Jovi, Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, or Russel Crowe I would rush past them and smile adoringly up at Mr Dyson and ask him for his autograph, completely ignoring those dim witted movie stars who never invented any world-changing dirt-sucking machines.
So yeah. I guess you could say I love my Dyson. Isn't it beautiful? Love it.
So I had to think of the perfect name for it. I always name everything. Well not everything but a lot of things. Like my contacts (Leonard and Ramona after their initials L and R), and all of my previous vacuums and most of my vehicles. And the trees in my yard. And some of my friend's houses. There's more but I don't want you to think I'm strange....Its a thing with me, and I cannot explain why I do it. But you should try it because its fun and there is seriously not enough fun or silliness in the world.
Our other vacuum is named The Snake. Its a central vac, and its long and twisty and eerie, and screams at you from time to time. It moves like a snake too, and it'll bite you if you put your hand near its mouth. It even twists out of your hands at times, and turns on you without warning. I'm telling you, pure evil, every last inch of it. It has no parts, its just a hose. Everyone fears it, and we all hate the noise it makes. Stephen King would love this thing.
Which is why we were eager to replace Matilda (our old vacuum) when she broke down, leaving us only The Snake to use. We sure didn't want to see The Snake everyday. Its only a last resort. So we needed a new vacuum and fast. And that is when we got the Dyson. Its the best. And its purty too.
So after much thought, I named the Dyson the Grape Ape. Its purple, for one thing. And it eats a LOT in one day. Its not very loud, but its powerful and it exudes confidence. Plus Grape Ape was a favorite cartoon of mine back in the day. And we had the jungle thing going already...
Well, yesterday The Grape Ape got cranky. I mean real cranky. Didn't want to work at all. It was so out of character, I knew something was wrong. I read my manual, and decided to try to make it feel better. We are good friends, and I know it trusts me to make everything okay.
So I had to take off the plate on the carpet spinner and clean it. I pulled out all the things that had gotten twisted around it, etc. I even got scissors and gave it a hair cut, because with all the girls in this house with long hair, it has gotten quite a bit wound around its vital parts.
But it was dusty and dirty. How do you vacuum your vacuum? With (gulp) another vacuum. And that, my friends, is how The Grape Ape met The Snake.
I carefully introduced them as gently as possible. I knew it might end badly.
We all held out breath as I turned on The Snake. HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. It screamed at the Grape Ape and then struck out again and again. The Grape Ape was angry but powerless, laying on its side and gasping without power. Unable to turn and defend itself! The Snake sucked and screamed. The Grape Ape seethed. Dust flew! The whole family stood back, ready to flee the house and leave the country.
Then suddenly, it was over. Somebody had raced to the central vac power center and KILLED The Snake. The Grape Ape was clean, but chastened. I put all of its parts on, apologizing over and over. Silence. It was not speaking to me. The Snake was coiled up and dragged to its cave. I realized the only way to restore The Grape Ape to its rightful place of authority in our home was to TURN IT ON. Let it roar. Show it we needed it. So I stood it up. And turned it on. And it roared to life. We went back and forth in front of the lifeless Snake, just for good measure.
So I vacuumed the whole house with The Grape Ape and peace was restored. For now.
I can only imagine the chaos when the new washer meets the old dryer.............